HORROR BARBECUE

Now, it's all fine and well to have a Superman logo tattooed on your chest, but I hope to hell this guy is married, fit, and in a stable relationship. Because while I know a lot of girls who would "ooh" and "aah" at the tattoo, it kind of puts you into a position where you either have to cover it up all the way, or walk around bare-chested all the time. Having a shirt with a couple of buttons undone, revealing just the top is, well... Half-S'ed.

So you have to fly big or go home with a Supes tat. And if you happen to be clothed at a time you start to get intimate with a woman (or a man), you have to bring this up before you get past a certain stage. Yes, every time you start making headway at the bar, whispering sweet nothings in their ear, this tattoo commits you to saying, "Oh, by the way, I have this... tattoo."

Sure, it sounds cool to get into a furious makeout session on the couch, then abruptly stand at full-mast, ripping open your shirt and revealing your secret identity. But I'm willing to bet that any lovemaking grinds to a halt right there as your partner doubles over in giggles, and you may not get it back on track.

On the other hand, I'm thinking of getting a Supes tat myself, because you gotta be fit to wear this. As it is, it's just barely on the cusp of okay. The minute those man-tits start to fill out, it just becomes the saddest thing in the universe - Fat Superman and his distorted tat. This guy's gonna be seventy and pumping iron like mad, because when he looks in the mirror, there's that goddamned Superman tattoo. You can't let Superman down; that's a tat you gotta live up to.

The only real problem is if you meet a guy with a Batman logo on his chest? Then you have to fight to the death. And you lose every time. God damn that Batman tattoo guy!

(Also, why not red and yellow? Come on, dude. If you're gonna go, commit.)