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Nutty letters from nutty kids

Posted | Views: 1,456

1/22/13

Apple Computer, Inc.

1 Infinite Loop

Cupertino, CA 95014

Dear Apple,


I am writing to complain about one of your apps. This one is called “Blower”. I heard it is suppose to turn your iPhone into a powerful fan, but that is not the case with me. My friend told me about this app, and I was interested on installing it as I am always very hot.


So I decided to buy the app of course since it would just be perfect for me! So I went on my iPhone and looked it up in the App Store. I installed it and quickly opened it to cool myself down after doing my yoga. Thing is, it wasn’t working, then I realized I didn’t have the power up, silly me! So there I was, and it didn’t work. I figured it needed a power source, so I decided to plug in my charger, even though my iPhone was at full battery life. I was appalled when it didn’t work. I decided that perhaps my charger was broken so I went out, got in a taxi (for $50) and bought a new one priced at $39.00. I plugged it in and turned on my fan, and to my surprise, it didn’t work. So I decided that maybe I needed a tablet to make this app work, so once more, I got out, got in a taxi (at $50 again) and went to an Apple store. I bought the new iPad Air at $929.00 as I buy the devices with most data space, and I went back home (each taxi ride was $50 for one way). I installed the app again and plug in my charger, and turn on the fan. I was flabbergasted when it didn’t work. My new solution? To get even more power. I decided to take a taxi (this time $100 one way) to a car dealership to buy a car for $30,369. I drove home and parked it in my garage, opened the hood, and took out the jumper cables, and hooked them on my iPad Air. My car exploded and launch me onto the floor as well as destroying my iPad Air. Luckily. I was outside when I hooked the jumper cables to my tablet since I am extremely claustrophobic. I sustained some injuries and needed to get surgery priced at $15,000 since I didn’t have Insurance yet. I took a year to recover from my injuries, but when I was back on my feet, I was determined to get the app working. So I went to the car dealership to buy a new car again at the same price. Then I got car insurance and insurance, as well as once more, purchasing an iPad Air at the same price.


This time, I was certain I had the solution. I bought a generator and an extension capable and plugged it into my garage outlet. I plugged my charger in with my iPad, and you know what? It disintegrated! Now, I was done! Please help me. Am I doing it right? Is there a way I’m supposed to hold my phone and/or tablet? I need answers immediately as I feel like I may die after my yoga. Please help!     


Sincerely,


X Samuel J. Stuhlinger   

Samuel J. Stuhlinger (Michael R.)


January 29, 2014

Customer service Dept.

Littleton Coin Company,

1309 Mt Eustis Road

Littleton, NH 03561


Hello, I wanted to inform you that I love your products, and will be looking forward to order from you again.

I wanted to say that recently I ordered a package from your company. As walking to my house with my package and makes a run for it. I tackled this man and he tackled me. We threw a couple punches. The last thing I recall is laying on the sidewall, I woke upon the south side of Chicago like 20 miles from home.

I have possible brain damage, is there any way you can help me, maybe some Nutella or Jelly? I don't know, put up posters all over Chicago with a bounty for this man. Is there a way to get my Package?


Thank you,


Cristian U.




4220 N. Richmond St.

Chicago IL. 60618

January 29, 2014

Public Relations Dept.

Things Remembered, Inc.

230 W. Huron Rd. Ste 7207

Cleveland, OH, 44113 United States


Dear Public Relations Department,


I know that your store sells many products that are used for either decorating your home, gifts, or jewelry. What I especially like about your store is that it contains many pleasant decorations for your home. I would like to offer you a product to sell at your store. Personally, I enjoyed a lot of this product, because it gave me a comforting sense of not being alone. I really hope that you enjoy my explicit description.


The Statue of Liberty is something very important and serious, so my product shows a bit more happiness as it holds an icecream cone on each hand. Instead of a crown, she would be wearing a chocolate fudge cake. The dress should be in different colors such as pink, green, blue, or purple. This is the part I enjoyed the best, it will have many recordings of songs, you may also use it as an alarm. It can have anything be recorded and timed to sound at any time.


There has been only one small problem I have found in the volume. Sometimes it might fail to lower the noise or maybe the recording will go longer than an hour. Even though it has some problems, it can still be very enjoyable with its great characteristics.


I hope to hear from you soon, and I hope that you like my product. If there are any questions, you can send me a letter to this address and with pleasure, I will answer back. Have a wonderful day and thank you for your time.


Sincerely,


Aime H.

Bureau of Engraving and Printing

Department of the Treasury

1500 Pennsylvania Avenue,

NW Washington, D.C. 20220


Dear Bureau of Engraving and Printing,

I have just found out that you will be removing Benjamin Franklin's hair from the one hundred dollar bill and he will be bald in the new 100 dollar bill.


I don't think that is a very good idea to leave him bald. We know him with his long hair and now you people are trying to cut all his hair and make him bald. I think he will look very different in the 100 dollar bills. What if people don't accept the money? You will have to buy my ticket to go to Disney Land. I have already used very excellent faces of other people on the dollar bill. They all look the same in my opinion.


Why can't you just change another president's face?There's the one dollar bill, you can take George Washington's hair too. Even though Benjamin Franklin was the oldest doesn't mean that you have to change his whole facial hair. You could add a beard so he can look like Abraham Lincoln they can both look the same.


I think people will think the president's had a problem back in the days with hot weather but never told anyone and you decided to just cut their hair. Like they were at the hair salon ready to get all their hair shaved off. I bet the president will feel astonished of what happened to his hair.


Can you please let me know what will happen to the 100 dollar bill? It is not true that Franklin's hair will be GONE!


Sincerely,

Diana P.


By Skye P.
Part One